zq

from zq's blog, 06 may 2006, here.
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I am replying a meme from Alexis . What is love, really? For the past few weeks, I have been reading Shakespearean, Singaporean and victorian literature etc, and I realise that literature almost never occurs without some love.

I will try to define what love is.. At least to me, love is when you find yourself genuinely caring for someone else's welfare, worrying about whether the person is sleeping enough etc, but at the same time, you do not have to tell the person you love him/her. Friendship and kinship is love to me and it is ridiculous to limit "love" to an emotion you feel when in a relationship.

I am definitely a cynic when it comes to dealing with the 'love' in a relationship. The three words "I love you" one expects to hear when in a relationship. Shit, he doesn't love me anymore, he hasn't said the three words to me for two days! You are tired, and all you want to do is to sleep, you still care and love the other party, but there, you feel this responsiblity to say "I love you, dear" if not you would feel bad. Yes, I can't deny that it is a nice warm fuzzy feeling the first time you hear those three words, but when repeated too many times, they start to lose meaning, relegated to a chant. The term "love" has now taken on a new dimension for it is now a commitment--I thought you loved me, if you love me, you would listen to me! And when it comes to the crunch, it is not love anymore. It is a binding contract.

Which is why even though sometimes the need for companionship is there, I doubt that I can live with the emotional binds involved and the fatigue that comes with it. After the honeymoon period, yes we all know that it never lasts that long, and when things settle down, that is when the shit hits the fan. The fan which works overtime, and spins the shit everywhere. How come you aren't spending time with me? Don't you love me anymore? Oh gosh, give me my independence please, and my personal space. Perhaps I am just too self-centred to love anyone else consciously.

Sounds contradictory doesn't it? But if you think about it, the love you feel towards friends and family is an unconscious one. Such as calling home to ask if you have to buy dinner back, or just messaging a friend after reading her blog to see if she is alright. You do not have to expressly say "I LOVE YOU", neither does your friend or family expect you to do that. But in a relationship, you have to consciously make an effort, to force yourself to love the other party consciously. Which is really tiring, I feel.

"In the range of human experiences, the one that truly mattered had the narrowest of vocabularies; the emotions that were most deeply and individually felt found expression through the quotation of other people's cliches" (Behind the Moon.)

Is there any purpose in deriving a specific meaning behind such a cliche word as 'love' in the first place, when we all know it IS a cliche? Since when can feelings be defined in words? Isn't this, once again, a simplification of matters?